Frazer Smith’s Power News — August 4, 1978

Billy Shoemaker

Jockey Bill Shoemaker, who has won more races than any other jockey in the history of horseracing, was suspended Tuesday by officials at Del Mar Raceway for careless writing. The violation came during the running of the Graduation Stakes, which Shoemaker won by a handy length and a half. Track officials, however, were not impressed by the fact that “The Shoe” made the trip backwards. Said Shoemaker, “I didn’t realize that I had mounted up backwards. I must have been in a hurry.”

Anita Bryant out on parole

Singer Anita Bryant, who was convicted last year on a charge of possessing four gallons of citric acid, is working off part of her sentence and a new crusade against homosexuality. Ms. Bryant says that she hopes that she can help at least some of the men who have deluged her with phone calls and letters requesting that she personally assist them in becoming normal, female-loving men. As of this week, Ms. Bryant says that she plans to set up a string of halfway houses across the country where she can meet the man on an individual or group basis.

A new bar in town

The Little Bit O’ Belfast bar in Santa Monica is fast becoming a hot spot in the Los Angeles area, and for good reason. The Little Bit O’ Belfast is one bar in town where you don’t need to drink to get plastered. Every night of the week the bar features pro boxers, who are on hand to take on all comers in a specially built ring. So far, celebrities such as Harry Nilsson and Keith Moon are regulars, as they and other customers hammer each other for free beer nuts.

Doctor blasts medical practices

A doctor in London, England, has incurred the wrath of his fellow physicians by suggesting in an article published in the British Medical Times that doctors often removed patient’s pubic hair wigs unnecessarily. Currently, it is standard procedure to remove the wigs before most operations, but Dr. Michael Pudminder states that this practice is merely a costly habit that could be done away with. According to Pudminder, the worst offenders are dentists, many of whom are often asked to see the wigs before even agreeing to except the person as a patient.

Mount Schweinsberg in the news

Famous veterinarian a pet lover Michael Schweinsberg of the Mount Schweinsberg Memorial Dead Animal Hospital told reporters at a press conference this week that he feels that there are too many homosexual veterinarians in the United States these days, and that something ought to be done about it. Although almost nobody had any idea at all what Dr. Schweinsberg was talking about, he was quoted as saying, “If a veterinarian thinks that he might be gay, you should apply for a job at Mount Schweinsberg Memorial Dead Animal Hospital, so that we will be able to find out as soon as possible.”

John Davidson injured

Alleged comedian John Davidson, who is used to having jokes exploding his face, was not prepare the other day when the mortar around caught him in mid-stride as he was jogging around a local golf course. Said Davidson, “It’s my own fault. I should have remembered that Frazer Smith plays at this course.” Sorry about that, John.

Rent rollbacks

While Governor Brown is threatening landlords with legal action if they don’t lower rents voluntarily, girlfriend Linda Ronstadt is trying another method to achieve the same results. Ronstadt, according to POWER NEWS sources, is trying to bribe landlords with promises of sex and drugs. So far, there is no word about whether or not she is been successful in snowballing any of the landlords she has met while looking for a home for herself and the governor, but she has been spotted all about town in her hot, hot, hot, pink hot pants.

Shark attacks sailor

A sailor just came back from an around the world cruise with his wife told reporters in San Diego that he was accosted by a huge killer shark. The sailor, Bill Buckknife, said that had just returned from an incident-free trip around the globe, and had stopped off for a drink in his favorite bar, when he and his wife were approached by the giant sea creature, which pulled up a stool next to him and demanded a drink. When Buckknife refused, the shark became enraged and began shoving him. Buckknife says that he and his wife began to try to beat the shark off with oars, but it was unsatisfying. After a six-hour battle, the beast ate the couples Siamese cat and left the bar without saying thank you. Says Buckknife, “if I had it all to do over, I do the same. That’s what the spirit of adventure is all about.”

Archaeology in Israel

Archaeologists working in Israel this week we’re excited to discover an ancient tablet dating back some 3300 years. Scientists and scholars are hoping the tablet, will help them in their quest to find out how things really were back then. So far, however, project workers are puzzled by the printing on the face of the small round white tablet, which reads, “Rorer 714.”

Chip Carter and Hamilton Jordan

It was “all quiet” at the upper-class Georgetown, Washington, party this week. At least, it was until President Carter’s son Chip decided to liven things up by his hitting presidential aide Hamilton “Hambone” Jordan in the face with a pie made out of pure cocaine. According to witnesses, Jordan was standing in a corner minding his own business for a change, when Carter darted out of nowhere with the pie. Jordan was reportedly so surprised by the move that he remained facedown on the floor with his nose in the pie for hours. Says Jordan, “I don’t really mind, it’s just lucky that I didn’t spill any.”

Dow Jones Average

Big news on Wall Street this week, as the Dow Jones Industrial Average skyrocketed up 22 points on the big board. While investors were scrambling for profits, however, Dow Jones suddenly developed a star complex, and left New York City for points unknown. Said Jones, “I can’t take it anymore. I’m tired of seeing my name in the paper all the time. I’m going to go live in my car for a while.” Sounds familiar, Jones. I know what you’re going through.

Frazer Smith in trouble again

Comedian Frazer Smith is in hot water again this week with police after an incident in which Smith allegedly burst into an exclusive nightspot and then slugged the security guards. That club, the Tabal Nook, so far has declined to press charges against Smith, who told POWER NEWS, “It was an accident, honest! Chevy Chase told me that I had to check out some of the bouncers that hang out at this place, and I thought he was talking about well-developed disco women. How was I supposed to know that he meant real bouncers?”

Man murdered

Canadian housewife eat Eve N. Rood … hmm, I think I know her … awoke recently to find that her husband was dead to the world … literally. Investigating detectives say that an intruder slipped unnoticed into the bedroom of the Rood home in Ontario and wrapped a cocoon of papier-mâché around the head of the sleeping man, after filling the couple’s TV with Readycrete and Crazy-Gluing all of the doors and windows shut. Despite the fact that the two were in the same bed, Mrs. Rood said that she did not notice that her husband was lying in a pool of Egyptian paste and wet newspaper until she got up to go to the drugstore or some more Quaaludes, and discovered that she couldn’t get out of the house.

Giants versus the Dodgers

Well, there’s nothing like a little blood to draw a crowd, and that’s what seems to be happening at recent Dodger/Giant games. As the rivalry between the two clubs becomes more and more intense, the bleachers are filling up with eager fans. Now, however, players are asking for hazardous duty pay. It all started when Giant pitcher John “The Count” Montefusco threw live grenades to Dodger batter Reggie Jackson. In return, Jackson not only blasted the grenade out of the ballpark, but Dodger snipers in the dugout managed to break up crucial double plays at second later in the game. Now, rumor has it that the Giants are seeding their ballpark with electronically controlled landmines in preparation for the next confrontation.