Frazer Smith’s Power News — August 18, 1978

Police find an odd couple

Police responding to a family disturbance call were surprised upon breaking into an expensive Studio City home to find police chief Ed Davis handcuffed to a bed and comedian Richard Pryor standing over him with a whip. Prior, however, is claiming that he was doing nothing wrong. Said Pryor, “I didn’t know that he wasn’t the police chief anymore. When he showed up at the front door and flashed a badge at me and ordered me to force him to drink out of the toilet, I figured that I better do it, if I knew what was good for me.”

Richard Nixon’s grandchild

Julie Nixon Eisenhower and husband David this week presented ex-president Richard Nixon with his first grandson. Nixon, who is overjoyed at first to hear the news, became visibly upset when informed that his grandson was black. Although doctors assured the parents of the child that it was genetically possible for white parents to give birth to a dark-skinned baby, Nixon would have none of it, and immediately fired Eisenhower from his post as family pet. The unnamed child has been amusing himself on the hospital basketball court, and has announced his intentions to attend Yale.

George Kennedy killed

Actor George Kennedy died this week on the set of a new movie in which he was playing a police officer. Kennedy was rushed to the hospital after the accidental shooting that occurred in a scene with athlete-turned-actor Ed “too tall “Jones, but was pronounced dead on arrival. When doctors told Kennedy that he was dead, however, he reportedly threw a temper tantrum, and stormed out of the hospital. Said producer/director Joe Camp, “as long as George doesn’t mind working, will use them. Besides, most people think that he’s been dead for years, anyway.”

Ted Kennedy drugging people

Senator Edward Kennedy this week denied allegations that he has been working on the development of a new drug that will turn normal Americans into Russians. A spokesman for Kennedy also denied the rumor that Kennedy fed the drug to his family in order to see if they could live on potatoes and sugar beets without complaining. Furthermore, the spokesman denies the rumor that Kennedy plans to feed the drug to residents of Massachusetts, where he lives, and lead an attack on China.

Rosalynn Carter faithfully unfaithful

White House aide Hamilton “Hambone” Jordan is once again in the hot seat. POWER NEWS has learned that other White House staffers are upset that Jordan has been pimping out Mrs. Carter to foreign dignitaries, and not splitting the profits with them. Mrs. Carter, however, has told POWER NEWS that Jordan has done nothing wrong, and that she is merely trying to approve international relationships with her own brand of foreign affairs in order to improve husband Jimmy’s position around the world. Said Mrs. Carter, “Hamilton is a marvelous coordinator. He deserves every penny he gets.”

Canadians at Elvis’ funeral

Babe Ruth this week charged singer Elvis Presley with using fraudulent methods to gain popularity. Presley, who died 30 years later on the same day as a great Bambino, told friends before he died that he was confident that he could out draw the baseball great. Ruth, however, is hopping mad over reports that Presley is hired a team of hypnotists to circulate throughout Canada using subliminal suggestion to get record attendance levels at his gravesite. POWER NEWS was told by one of the Canadian pilgrims, “I don’t know why I’m here. I’m not even sure where I am. All I know is that I haven’t seen an Eskimo in days.”

Al Ramirez is now a doctor

Hollywood Nightshift producer Al Ramirez is once again expanding his horizons, POWER NEWS found out this week. Apparently, Ramirez has been flying to Panama between shows, where he has a medical practice as a witch doctor who only cures go-go dancers. According to patients, Ramirez first advises them to get rid of their records, jewelry, fast cars, and boyfriends. Then, Ramirez has the dancers lay down and take their clothes off, while he runs around them shouting hypnotic chants. The dancers report that when they awaken, they often feel much better.

Priests are looking for part-time work

Movie and TV producers are puzzled about what to do about priests who are flocking to the studios in search of big-money and exciting part time work. Casting directors have been trying to place as many of them as possible and movie roles, but apparently, it isn’t working. Said one studio exec, “There just aren’t enough drunkards and drug users in today’s movies, and those are the only parts these priests seem to want to play.”

Wheelchair banditos

Policeman, construction workers, and Hells Angels have demanded army protection in the wake of recent attacks on them by roving gangs of elderly amputee karate experts who travel around town looking for trouble in their CB-radio-equipped wheelchairs. So far, authorities been unable to track down any members of the gang, who drive their wheelchairs sideways and often jump over buildings and rows of cars in high-speed pursuits, but POWER NEWS has learned that the National Guard has put in a request for computerized targeting radars and F-111 fighter planes to combat the menace.

Linda Ronstadt goes berserk

Lovely singer Linda Ronstadt, who has reportedly been having troubles with lover Jerry Brown, has gone off on a sex binge, according to friends. POWER NEWS has learned that she is traveling around the country in her fur-lined Winnebago, making new guest appearances at rock concerts all over the United States. When last seen, Ronstadt leapt on stage during a recent Rolling Stones concert at the Community Center in Tucson, Arizona, and attempted to sit on the head of guitarist Ron Wood. Roadies for the band finally managed to subdue Ronstadt by tying her up in a sandbox full of cocaine.

Kiss teams up with Clint Eastwood

After selling millions of albums, where do you go? Well, if you’re the rock group, Kiss, you go to the movies, which is exactly what they are doing. The first movie on the agenda stars the fab four and a Clint Eastwood flick in which the band plays the parts of United States customs agents who ride around on angel-dust-powered jet skis trying to stop villain Clint Eastwood from importing cheap TV sets and shark by-products. It’s another big bone production that should be out at a Macho Theater near you soon, so check it out.

Man embezzles money

65-year-old Cole Beer, of Party City, California, was arrested by authorities in Las Vegas, Nevada, this week after a month-long search for the retired snowcone taster on embezzling charges. According to officials where Beer had his checking account, a bank error was made in his favor to the tune of $100,000, which beer immediately withdrew before leaving town. When police caught up with him, however, they found that he had not spent one penny of his ill-gotten gains. When asked by POWER NEWS why he had done it, Beer said, “I always wanted to have a lot of money. I guess I just forgot to spend it.” Sounds like another satisfied Valium Cigarette user to me.

Valium cigarettes deemed dangerous

Many people were upset this week when the federal government published findings that Valium Cigarettes are dangerous to the public health, but Olympic gold medal winner Mark Spitz decided to do something about it. Spitz took off early Tuesday morning to swim to Japan with nothing but a carton of Valium cigarettes and a waterproof Zippo lighter tucked into his trunks, to prove that Valium Cigarettes, the smoke of the stars, aren’t as bad as the government said they are. Late last night however, Spitz was forced to give up his swim only a few miles past the halfway point because he had forgotten where he was, and decided to turn around and swim back. Said Spitz, “I think I could’ve made it if I hadn’t run out of butts.” How right you are, Mark.

Shark walk

A great white shark has announced this week that he intends to walk from key Biscayne, Florida, to Casa Pacifica, at San Clemente, to talk with ex-president Richard Nixon about United States involvement with dolphins. The shark, who said that he got the idea for the protest walk from watching The Tonight Show, is having a human-proof cage built to protect him from rednecks, moped, and housewives. Reportedly, the walk is being financed by long-time Nixon friend Bebe Ronobone.