Power News :: Science

Those darned aliens

Astronomer Hairy Palmer stunned the scientific community this week with what he says is proof that the Earth has not yet been visited by aliens. The reason, says Dr. Palmer, lies in the fact that scientists now know that aliens travel through space by walking backwards real slow. Furthermore, states Palmer, they often injure themselves or have to go to the bathroom, which makes it necessary for them to walk all the way home again. Quips Palmer, “I don’t think they’ll ever get here. They’re even dumber than we are.”

NASA money request

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration has asked Congress this week for $140 billion for their latest project, which would send three men into space to install burglar alarms on the surface of the moon. The proposal is expected to run into stiff opposition in the Senate, but Pentagon officials agree with NASA that the program is necessary. Said one staffer, “It’s vital that we know what’s going on up there at all times. We wouldn’t want those Russkies to steal all that cheese.”

Air quality solution

As Los Angeles suffered under a thick blanket of noxious chemicals this week, steps were being taken in Sacramento to ease the crunch. And, after studying the problem, the Environmental Protection Agency has ordered a ban on all political campaigning until the air condition clears up. Stated one EPA official, “If we could just get those politicians to shut up, we’d see some clean air around here, and fast.”

UFO terrorizes sailors in Florida

A mysterious, pulsating, flesh-tone UFO terrified hundreds of sailors off the coast of Florida this week, POWER NEWS was told. According to eyewitnesses, the mile-long UFO vibrated and hummed as it hovered over the ships. Shaken observers say that the object was last seen plunging head-first into the area known as the Bermuda Triangle. Police switchboards in the area were jammed with a barrage of phone calls from frightened residents interested in finding out where they could buy one of the objects.

Uncle Sam to catch UFOs

The United States Government, while officially denying the existence of UFOs, is secretly trying to catch one, according to informed POWER NEWS sources. It is apparently the government’s plan to buy remote farm houses and bait them with sexy actresses, in an effort to lure the flying saucers into landing. So far, the only attention drawn by the program has been a protest by Hollywood producers, who claim that the government is enticing many of the best-looking actresses to leave town.

Secret of youth

A Las Vegas doctor has stunned the medical profession by claiming that he can halt and sometimes reverse the aging process by forcing patients to bark like dogs. Doctor Ima Quack said that he came upon the technique by accident one day when he was forcing his patients to bark like spider monkeys. So far, the only problem is that the patients also feel like chasing cars. But, says the doctor, that really isn’t a problem at all. Says Quack, “They’re just like spider monkeys; they wouldn’t know what to do with a car if they did catch one.”

EST takes over a town

When the city council of a small town in the foothills of the Sierra Nevadas agreed to participate in free town-wide EST seminars, there were rumors that Werner Enhard himself might show up. Instead, thousands of off-duty mental hospital workers arrived with elaborate equipment, and EST turned out to stand for Electro-Shock Therapy. When POWER NEWS contacted Werner Erhard about the mix-up, he commented, “It’s really sad that all of this happened. That equipment was supposed to go to San Francisco.”

Edible panties dangerous

The Colorado Carcinogen Research Foundation file with the FDA this week to have edible panties banned, after a two-year study produced conclusive evidence that the panties cause cancer in laboratory bats. Researchers report that bats injected 500cc of the panties intravenously supper an agonizing and prolonged death. Film at eleven.

Student mummies

A janitor at the University of California at Berkeley open an unused closet yesterday and discovered the perfectly preserved bodies of 23 students who apparently took over the broom closet ten years ago in protest against the war. Commented university president Philip Buster, “Thank God we found them. We might be able to trade them for some really great King Tut souvenirs.”

Hot in hell

How hot was it? Apparently, not hot enough, as temperatures dipped to 120 in the shade on the Thirteenth Level of Hell today, causing major congestion as residents huddled for warmth in blast furnaces and nuclear reactors. Los Angeles area Black Cross volunteers are appealing to local residents for all donations of sterno-filled clothing to help until the cold snap is over.

Anthropologists discover stupid man

Anthropologists working at a dig in Darwin, Australia, have discovered the skeleton of a fifty-million-year-old man who appears to be wearing an “I Love Disco” T-shirt. The man, who apparently died while attempting to pull out his own teeth with a pair of pliers, is regarded as a tremendous find by scientists seeking to prove stupidity is contagious. The man’s name is being withheld pending notification of relatives.

Alien mutilations

The FBI and local authorities are seeking to question a wild pack of marauding cows in connection with the bizarre mutilation deaths of a family of alien creatures from outer space, whose bloodless bodies were found on the floor of their condominimum — their TV set mysteriously missing. Neighbors have reported smelling hay and alfalfa and hearing the sound of bells. Police are also seeking comedian George Gobel for questioning.

Life in space

With continued exploration of space, scientists are learning more than ever about the universe beyond us. Scientists Bernie Skidmarks told POWER NEWS, however, that the possibility of life existing on other planets is now thought to be remote. According to Doctor Skidmarks, it is harder to create life than was previously thought. Says Doctor Skidmarks, “My wife and I have been trying to have a baby for years, and she still won’t even let me into the bedroom.”

Leakey finds new tribe

Anthropologist Louis Leakey, while looking for clues to man’s genesis, has come across a tribe of Indians that still makes recreational vehicles using crude stone tools. Leakey says that the Indians, whose existence was unknown until this week, have the kits shipped to them in the African bush, and assemble them by hand to trade with other local tribes for beer and leisure suits.

CIA tries Valium cigarettes

The CIA is reportedly experimenting with Valium as a means of ensuring that no vital information falls into the wrong hands. According to highly-placed Pentagon officials, the CIA has instituted a new policy of providing all employees with a lifetime supply of the new pre-lit Valium cigarettes. CIA officials, however, are denying the rumor, saying that no one remembers such a policy ever being put into effect.

Scientists study accident cause

Scientists are studying the phenomenon that causes drivers to swerve suddenly and crash their cars while driving on vacant roads. When interviewed, the drivers claim to have seen what looks like an imaginary invisible girl standing in the road. UCLA traffic accident researcher Morton thug says, “You don’t have to take dangerous narcotics or drink gallons of alcohol to be killed by one of these hallucinations, but it helps.”

Snake eating — new health fad

First, it was acupuncture, and now the latest health fad out of China — snake eating. The main reason it hasn't caught on already is that people in this country are afraid of snakes, or so says Hong Kong chief pest control officer John Logjam, who explains, “Most people are even afraid of the trouser snake. In the Orient, we use the trouser snake to control fever. In America, however, girls still run away when they think they’ve been bitten. What they should do is turn around and bite back, but not too hard.”

The first truck farms

Last week, an Altadena man discovered two VWs buried in his back yard, and this week, a Culver City man unearthed two Lincoln Continentals and a Greyhound bus in his front yard. Scientists have different theories about the buried auto epidemic that has struck the Southland. Some feel that it was the Indians who first planted the vehicles in hopes that someday they would grow into a useful and marketable cash crop, while other experts believe that it is the work of the Mexican mole people, and that these cars are simply abandoned at the edges of their massive underground freeway systems. Film at eleven.

UFO artists suspected

Police are speculating that the same UFOs that are suspected of performing bizarre animal mutilations in the mid-west are responsible for the erection of some 40,000 cardboard paintings that have appeared along the interstate highway between San Francisco and Reno, Nevada. The posters, which are life-size portraits of cattle, vary in color. While some of the animals have five eyes and are decorated with seasonal greetings or superhero costumes, nobody is quite sure what to do about them. But, states Fresno police chief Charlie Tuna, “They’re definitely trying to screw up our environment. We just can’t figure out what they have against cows.”

Laser safety

The safety of concert-goers has come into question following an incident in San Diego when some 15,000 Aerosmith fans were burned to a cinder by laser lights. According to one of the laser show technicians, the equipment seems to be operating perfectly, despite the mass incineration. Meanwhile, consumer advocate Ralph Nader has launched an investigation into this and hundreds of similar mishaps around the country.