Power News :: Sports

Man to challenge Knievel

Palm Springs bus driver Fungo Snowman has set next Saturday as the date of his attempt to better stuntman Evel Knievel’s record by driving his rocket-powered school bus over a row of fifty parked motorcycles. Snowman says he hopes that by doing the stunt he will raise enough money to pay for expensive silicone breast implants for many of the elementary-age girls who ride his bus everyday.

California fishermen

California Department of Fish and Game officials announced this week that our state leads the country in yet another category — the number of registered fishermen. Department head Mack Caroll pointed out that most of the fishermen are after tuna, but added, “A lot of guys just like to get out their poles and see if they get a bite.”

Olympic transportation problem solved

Many Los Angelenos are concerned that this city’s infrastructure will prove inadequate for the influx of Olympic athletes in 1984. One man who isn’t worried, however, is Los Angeles businessman Barry Roodman, who claims that transportation, at least, is one problem that is easily solved. Says Roodman, “I think we ought to assign a giant shrew to each of the visiting athletes, and let them get around on their own. You’d be surprised how quick those damn things can be.”

Stuntman sets record

Hollywood stuntman Dong Whanger set a new world record this week by jumping a vibrator-powered giant iguana backwards over actress Loni Anderson, star of TV’s “WKRP.” Said Anderson after the feat, “I’ve never done it backwards with a lizard before. I hope my hair was all right.”

Muhammad Ali honored

A public relations spokesman for Lincoln-Mercury told POWER NEWS of plans to release a special-edition car honoring retired boxing champion Muhammad Ali. The car is said to be shaped like a huge moth, and cost over one million dollars. Ford plans to market the car under the slogan, “Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.”

Superbowl XVIII

With only one week to go before Superbowl Ex Vee Eye Eye Eye — whatever that means — Rams owner Georgia Rosenbloom has fired the entire Rams team, and replaced them with Norwegian placekickers. Georgia told POWER NEWS, “We won the playoffs with nine points from only one placekicker. With 22 placekickers we should be able to get 198 points. It’s simple arithmetic.”

Machine Gun Ali

Boxer Muhammad Ali begins training this week for his upcoming attempt to win the world heavy-weight boxing championship for the third time. Trainer Raoul Duke has, however, decided against a rigorous training schedule, and plans instead to send Ali into the ring with a submachine gun, in spite of the boxing commission’s ruling that Ali will only be allowed one hundred rounds of annnunition.

Bjorn Borg risks life

Doctors at the Reseda Acne Medical Center have warned tennis star Bjorn Borg that he runs the risk of permanent paralysis if he continues with his plan to climb Mount Everest with a box of Captain and Tennille albums strapped to his back. Borg, however, is undetered. Says he, “I must do this no matter what. It’s the only place on earth where I can listen to these records without Jimmy Connors coming over and ruining everything.”

O.J. Simpson shrinking

Pro football suffered a tremendous loss this week as all-star running back O.J. Simpson announced his retirement from the game. Although many fans had hoped that perhaps this year “The Juice” would capture the few remaining records that have not already fallen to him in his glamour-studded career, O.J. declared that he really has no choice in the matter. According to Simpson, his doctor has notified him that he is shrinking and will soon be the size of a tiny toy dog. Displaying the same indominable spirit that helped him attain victory after victory, Simpson told POWER NEWS that he has no intention of giving up sports in the face of a fate that would crush a lesser man, and instead, is planning to take up miniature golf.

O.J. Simpson quits football to take Disney job

Pro football this week again suffered a major loss as running back O.J. Simpson announced that for sure, this time, he really is retiring. POWER NEWS has found out that Simpson has been hired by Disneyland, where he is to be booked into the Matterhorn. Rumor has it that O.J. will be accosting riders with threats of sexual attack and demands for money.

O.J. Simpson quitting it all

In sports, O.J. Simpson announced today that he is not only retiring from football, but also baseball, hockey, pole vaulting, and frog jumping as well. Simpson could not be reached for clarification.

O.J. Simpson to clean rugs

O.J. Simpson has announced once again that he has decided to quit football so he can start his own business. O.J., who says he wants to leave the game while he still has his head in one piece, plans to buy a rug machine and go door-to-door cleaning rugs. Says O.J., “I always wanted to clean rugs, and I can make up to $1,000 a week, if I hustle.”

O.J. to quit for the last time

Record-breaking pro-running back O.J. Simpson has announced this week that he is quitting football. The reason, according to Simpson, is that he feels that the season is over. Said Simpson, “I reported to the stadium for practice the other day, and there was nobody else there. I don’t know, they might be playing a road game, but I’ll probably just quit anyway. I think I’d rather spend my time running around with other people’s wives.”

Jack Nicklaus now big favorite

Pro golfer jack Nicklaus today admitted to reporters that he has been hitting live grenades instead of golf balls in recent tournaments, but claimed that he is in training. PGA officials, who at first were miffed at the damage caused by the anti-personnel grenades, now concede that Nicklaus is the odds-on favorite to win the Blasted Valley Ordinance Open, which features mortar rounds, plastic explosives, dynamite, fragmentary grenades, limpet mines, and nuclear warheads in place of the normal golf balls. Says Nicklaus about the upcoming event, ”I don’t mind having to tip my caddy extra, but I’m going to have to watch those short putts.”

Chain saw competition

The most famous street in the world, Rodeo Drive, will be closed to cars this week, and the sound of chain saws will fill the air as the Second Annual Beverly Hills Pulp-Master 400 Free-Style Street-Clearing Contest gets underway. Celebrities from the surrounding area are eagerly gathering to watch their favorite, the two-stroke one-cylinder Homelites, as they attempt to retain their title in the face of a challenge by the new fuel-injected McCullochs.

Celebrity Jeep race

Promoter Marty Ingels, who planned last week’s Jeep race to promote Las Vegas casinos, has gone one better, and is planning another race, this time inside the Silverbird Hotel. Instead of stirring up dust, however, the celebrity contestants will be stirring up profits, as they race from table to table in their modified Jeep CJ-7s, gambling with customers and going for big prizes.

Superbowl officiating

Football commissioner Pete Rozelle has responded to criticism of the officiating in past Superbowl games by purchasing several dozen rhesus monkeys from a laboratory in Los Gatos, California. Until last week, the monkeys were being used in LSD experiments, but Rozelle is certain they can be trained in time for the game next Sunday.

Financing the Olympic Games

In an earlier POWER NEWS broadcast, we reported that Los Angeles Mayor Tom Bradley had promised Olympic Committee Officials that tax money could be used for the 1984 Olympic Games to be held here. A spokesman for the Mayor’s office, however, issued a statement that the cost of the games will be covered by the sale of “Bradley For President” T-shirts. “Furthermore,” the Mayor is quoted as saying, “I did not pledge tax money to support the Olympics, but I did promise some Arabs they could use Palos Verdes.”

Bob Hope Golf Tournament

Spectators and tournament officials at last week’s annual Bob Hope Desert Classic in Palm Springs were surprised when funnyman Jackie Gleason began hitting live artillery instead of golf balls off the first tee. The stunned gallery then exploded with laughter as the rotund comedian continued to hit lymphet mines, fragmentary grenades, heat-seeking missiles, mortar rounds, and neutron bombs for the rest of the round. “I don’t think it’s all that funny,” complained fellow celebrity duffer Telly Savalas, who was hit on the head by a flying piece of turf. “This tournament’s on national television — someone might think this is my real hair.”

What can you say about people who make love with their faces?

French athlete Nardé Burdeezo, who was the first person to water ski with only his bare feet, announced that for his next act he will jump out of a Lockheed SR-71 spy plane using only his hands as parachutes. Said Nardé, “De trouver un rat, trouvez le trou.”